Ok so here's the story. For a long time I was puttering along and things were not bad. Hell I was even happy sometimes. Sure every once in a while things seemed like they could not get worse but I always just kept going. Like I said I was puttering along. Then things got sort of mysterious and ...hopeful. I had never been so hopeful... I was scared a little of how hopeful I was. Then in a sudden burst there was happiness. I recognised the flaws in the happiness. I questioned it. But I also let it in. And then as quick as it came it was gone. It hurt. I hurt. I slowed. I drank. I disappeared. I felt, so I drank some more. But you keep going after a while. And that's where I am now. Back to the puttering. BUT this puttering has new direction.... I just don't know what direction it is. Life is confusing like that. And this is what I am learning over and over.... I feel like I'm not really learning the lesson though... I'm missing some bit.
Ok I'm done with all of that now. Here are some real things that have been going on.
We saw Once the other day and it rocked my face! First of all it was so crazy seeing place I have been in a movie. It made me homesick for those places. Which I realize is silly on account of I live here and not in Dublin but I miss it all the same. It was weird being over there... just felt like home.
Secondly it has brought up a lot of talk about a persons substance. And how that substance can make a person fall helplessly in love with you. We talked a lot about that look a 'helplessly fallen' gives to that person. Just the... amazement in their eyes. You know the look. I am the giver of that look. And I hope someday I find someone to give it to always. It is wonderful look to give. However I don't think I have ever been the receiver of this look. I have come close to this look and I believe it was as sincere a look that that person was able to give. That is enough for me. Even if it wasn't the full look... it was enough.
And thirdly the movie, among other things, made me think about the person I am. I can't figure out who she is or where she's going. It's scary. But it's sort of exciting too.
~
"Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow." - J.M. BarrieJ.M Barrie is a man who knew too much about me, without knowing me. It makes me uneasy and glad all at once.
2 comments:
I'm glad you've resurfaced. We didn't really keep in touch and I was worried.
I too am glad you are back. Even though you say you are unsure of who "you" are at this point now, we are here for you to help figure that out for you. We are friends, that's what we do >.<
Love you, babe.
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